Calm before the storm

This week has been abnormally, calm. Nothing huge has really happened. I think it’s because I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Whenever the conversation turns to anything of that nature, everyone is either really nice to me or really horribly mean. It’s like there’s no in between in my family. Except for my dad, as messed up as my mom’s side of the family is, and the lack of crazy on my dad’s side, I feel like my dad gets what I’m going through with my depression and anxiety issues more than my mom sometimes. My dad takes it seriously, and if he’s concerned that I might try to hurt myself, or try to commit suicide, he won’t leave me alone or he’ll make me go to Indiana to stay with my grandma so nothing will happen. He actually tries to talk to me, while my mom just makes jokes about everything.

After my appointment, she called me and asked how it went, and I was telling her all about it. She then decided it would be funny to ask me if I told my doctor that I was a lesbian. I’m not, but every chance she gets she decides to throw it in. For some reason they think JJ and I are dating. She’s my best friend, like my sister; even if I liked girls, I couldn’t ever do anything with her. It would just be weird. Anyways, she just mocks the seriousness of the situation. Obviously, something is wrong with me. She doesn’t like to acknowledge that it’s because of he, and her lack of parenting.

Everything about my parents stresses me out, which worsens my anxiety, which is not a good thing seeing as it’s already pretty high. It’s just one thing after another, put onto my plate. Things that shouldn’t even be on my mind. Finances, Jayden, what we’re going to eat for dinner. Simple things that I can’t handle having stress about. I’m an excessive worrier. Things that are of no importance to me, give me anxiety. Like why someone’s window is open, when it makes no sense to have it open. I just obsess. The other day my mom told me we didn’t have enough money to buy me a razor, when she just bought a two-hundred dollar straightener. She wonders why we never have money. It’s stuff like that. Then, there’s Jayden . . . what’s going to happen to him when I leave? My dad says I shouldn’t worry, and they’ll be able to handle it. It’s not my problem, and I shouldn’t stress because of it. How can I not? He’s like my baby. I’ll be leaving the person that I love most here. It just all feels incredibly messed up. I don’t like any of this. It’s all apart of Crazy Good. Peace out!