If I stay

Today started off as a normal day. I woke up late, even though I had been texting JJ, practically in my sleep, begging her to save me from my life. Okay, that’s a little bit dramatic, but it’s the truth. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Obviously, I’m in a weird mood right now.

I’m honestly at a loss for words. I’m reading this book If I Stay by Gayle Forman, it’s about a girl who has been in a horrible car crash and loses her whole family, including her brother. Their relationship reminds me so much of my relationship with Jayden. I can’t even imagine losing him. The thought of it puts me into a panic. I don’t know what I would do, I need him to pull me through. He really is the only reason I’m still alive, it’s kind of funny how my dad thinks he’s the reason I’m so depressed. When we go for our ‘your dad has to listen in on this appointment’ psychiatrist appointment, and I talk about how long its been since I was first depressed, it’s been five years, which happens to be the same age as Jayden. I only keep going for him. Him alone. He’s my bubby, I can’t even explain how much I love him. I don’t know if I could handle not seeing him everyday, or knowing I’d never see him again. I want to cry just writing this down. I need him, he needs me. We should have a pact to never die, and if one of us does we take the other one with us. Okay, that’s really morbid. Like murder suicide cliche. No, that won’t happen. It will be like all those perfect deaths where you never have to live without the other person. Only we’re just brother and sister. The more I think about this the more it sounds weird. So I’m just going to say, I need him, and I never want to live without him. I could not live without him.