Biggest loser

This week has been crazy. Not necessarily crazy good, but just overall, insane. There’s so much to say, but I feel like nothing should be said. I feel like week after week I bore my readers with the same thing. I want to mix it up, but the truth is that my life is that boring. All it consists of is sleep, wake up, anxiety, depression, eat and repeat. Some days you add in work (and of course school) and that’s as mixed up as my life gets. The constant anxiety and depression is awful, this past weekend I had real talk with my manager, because she understands exactly what I’m going though, and she honestly wants to help. It’s surprisingly easy to talk to her about anything that goes on in my life, of course I’ll never be completely honest with everything that is going on, or that has happened to me, to anyone in my life, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who will listen.

I feel like I’m losing everything that has ever kept me going, Jayden has stopped calling me bubs and just calls me Maddy, I feel like I’m losing JJ, she’s my best friend, and I can just feel her slipping away, and I honestly feel like I have no one, and it’s hard. I don’t know who to go to, and I can’t handle everything on my own. I have the people that say, “you know you can always talk to me,” but I don’t really feel comfortable with explaining my life to people. Plus, most people have been through worse than I have, and it just makes me feel guilty for feeling so bad all of the time, when they’re completely fine,. It makes me feel weak, like I can’t handle anything. If I could just deal with the abandonment, and the messed up things that have happened to me, I could be happy. Why can’t I just deal? Whats wrong with me?

Adding insult to injury, I failed yet another math quiz. I have never failed anything in my life, and I keep getting bad grades in Algebra 3. I don’ t even know who I’ve become anymore. I don’t even know how I can do this. How am I going to continue on, if I have absolutely no reason. I’m losing my friends, I never see my brother, and now I have a D in math. I’m just a failure at life.