Losing what’s left

Now that school is back in swing after Thanksgiving break, I feel like I’ve just given up. I don’t even know if that is the right way to phrase it. What do I have left? I’m losing everything. Curiosity killed my innocence. Over-thinking killed my happiness. Insecurities killed my self-esteem. Lies killed my trust. Stereotypes killed my individuality. And judgement killed me.

I feel like I’ve lost everything. Even Jayden isn’t helping anything. I try and try to keep him in mind when I’m upset, but lately, it just makes it worse. In nine months, I’ll be leaving him to go to college. He’ll be here; I’ll be there. I won’t be able to protect him. I won’t see him everyday. I feel so guilty for leaving him. After so long, he won’t need me anymore. No one will, I’m just that girl who is easily replaced. Who is there left for me to talk to? Even if I did have someone to talk to, who would listen? What would I say? I’m sad, miserable even, for no reason at all. How pathetic is that?

I feel sad and I just want someone to tell me they love me, and make me feel okay again. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently it is. I guess I’m just forever alone … and even if I could find the perfect guy, I would just mess it up. I always self-destruct. Always. I just feel like I’m an awful person, and I don’t really get the point of it all anymore. Is there a point?

I miss being a kid. I miss birthday parties in class where you brought in treats. I miss being able to run around playing tag all day and never getting tired, but being able to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, not a care in the world, nothing to stress over. I miss being able to eat whatever I wanted, without a second thought. I miss waking up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons. I miss not being stressed and when everything was simple. But most of all, I miss when time seemed to never run out. Where did those days go?

We had complete control, but none at the same time, and we never cared about anything more than getting the coolest toy. Now we worry about getting into college, and having a future, and making a life for ourselves. I’m only 17, I’m way to young for all of this stuff. I just need a break, a permanent break. That just sounds like the thing to do.