Maddy discusses her true pain

I don’t even know how to describe this past week. Have you ever felt like you have absolutely nothing left? And no matter how much you try, you feel like you can’t go on? Even though you know you have family who love you and would hate to lose you, you just can’t see the point. That’s how I feel. Every day.

I can’t see past the pain. I wish I could, I don’t want to be like this, but every now and again I think about all that’s wrong in my life, and it just seems like an easier solution to quit now. My mom says life only gets harder, and I need to learn how to cope, but if I can’t now, how will I be able to later in life? I’m tired of hurting.

I feel like I have nothing left to focus on, even when I attempt to be happy, I always do something to mess it up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I need help. Sure, I’m seeing a psychiatrist, but it’s not really helping. My mom threatens to hospitalize me pretty much every week. My response? “It’s not a good time for that, I’m too busy right now.” How pathetic. I honestly don’t know how much she cares. I mean, yeah, it’s a good sign that she’s noticing that I need the help, but part of me, a huge part, thinks that she’s just trying to push it off to someone else to deal with. It’s just what she does.

Is this supposed to make me think I have someone that actually cares about me? I just want someone that can get me through the day, that used to be JJ and Jayden, but now, I’m not so sure who I have. My life is anything, but Crazy Good.