Leaving for college

Christmas is over. It’s 2012. My birthday is in less than two weeks. Graduation is 143 days away. College is 222 days away. How is everything coming so quickly? I’m going to be 18. I’m going to be in college. I’m not ready to leave.

My therapist (yes, I’ve started seeing an actual therapist. Baby steps.) says I need to figure out if it’s actually what I want. I think it’s what I want. Right? You do Elementary school, Middle school, High school, then College. That’s the order. That’s what you do. It may not be the trend in my family, but it’s the normal thing to do. You leave home when you turn 18 and you go to college. No matter what you’re leaving. Everyone expects it. You do it to get a better job, and have a better life. I’m doing it to get better. Wait, I’m not going to see Jayden everyday. I’m not going to see my nephew grow up. I’ll miss my niece’s first words, steps and birthday. Everything. I’m going to miss everything. Jayden’s first grade year. Second, third, fourth. I’ll miss him learning to read chapter books, I miss all the huge elementary school stuff. He already knows simple math, reading, and writing, but I’ll miss him growing into who he is. I’m afraid he won’t remember me. When I pick him up from school he’ll run into my arms screaming, “Bubs!”. How am I just going to leave him? My nephew is just now walking and talking. He’s still a baby. He’s not even two yet. My sister is still pregnant with my niece so I’m going to miss literally everything past four months. She won’t even know me.

How am I going to go? I’m going to miss out on everything. My parents will see all of the major developments for all three of them. I raised him. That’s what I get in return, I get to see him grow up, and become an amazing person. How come I have to miss it? I realize the way he was brought up was really unconventional, but he’s my baby. I’ve been his ‘mom’ since day one. Why am I the one who will miss it all, and my mom who wasn’t even present until he was four gets to experience all of it. It’s not fair.

I guess it’s true what they say, life’s not fair. I knew it was unfair, but how could it be this cruel? I want to be there for him, I don’t want him to have the abandonment issues that I have, I’m afraid he’s going to turn out like me. I cannot let that happen. Do I go, and be selfish, or do I stay, and give him a real shot at happiness? Him happy, or me. Actually, I probably won’t even be happy in college, but in the long run it’s better for me. How do I make this choice?

It’s impossibly impossible. My life is all but simple. It’s crazy, dramatic, sad, cruel, supported, abandoned, happy, and anxious. I need to find a balance between them, and make it all Crazy Good.