I’m leaving in less than seven months. I’m going to be hours away, and Jayden is staying here. With my family. How am I supposed to be okay with that? I’m so guilty for subjecting him to the childhood that I have. I just want to take him with me and save him from the pain that he’s going to go through.

My therapist is trying to work me through the guilt, but I can’t see the light at the other end of the tunnel. I know It’s going to be good. It has to be good. I know Jayden will always love me. I know he’ll see my good choices and follow in my foot steps. How close are we going to be if I just up and leave? Even now, leaving for a weekend to stay at JJ’s house, he gets mad at me. He’ll cry when I try to leave and cling to my leg.

He loves me so much that it hurts me. When I pick him up from school, he runs and jumps into my arms. I can’t even explain the amount of love that I have for him; it’s so raw and unconditional. I can’t see myself not being near him everyday and not being able to play legos and ninjas with him. I’m afraid he’s going to hate me. He’ll resent me for leaving because he’ll be with my parents, and basically the only attention he gets from them is negative attention. He acts out so they notice him; when it’s just him and I, he’s always good.

In school, while all of the other kids are making crafts for their moms and dads, he makes them for me. His teacher probably thinks my parents are crazy and he only has me. Which is true, but do we need the world to know? I don’t want them to. I feel so guilty for not being able to fix them so he can have a normal childhood, for not being able to take him with me and save him from the inevitable depression and pain he’s going to go through.

If I could just get an apartment, I would take him with in a heart beat. I could afford that. But freshman have to live in dorms so that’s out of the question. He’s too young for a cell phone, so I can’t call him or text him every day. What if he forgets about me? What if he’s so mad at me for leaving, he just stops seeing me the way he does? I can’t live with that. Is college worth all of that? Should I stay or should I go?