Slowly falling

You guys are in for a treat! I actually have something to write about. Crazy stuff. Where to start. Hm, how about with the fact that I feel like I’m drowning, and although people love me and care about me, no one is willing to save me. I just keep going further, and further down, while everyone stands by and watches. There’s no stability, some times someone will reach for me, but they don’t hold on long enough to pull me out. Even though I’m slowly falling away, I’m still expected to do everything for everyone.

It’s like, if my parents want something done they pull me out, dry me off, make me do said thing, and then throw me right back in. I’m expected to do everything, clean, cook, take care of Jayden, get good grades, be perfect, blah, blah, blah. It’s too much. I can’t do everything. What are they going to do when I’m gone? They’re going to live in a filthy, foodless place, where Jayden will constantly be alone. They can’t depend on me for everything. I can’t even depend on me for everything.

I just have so much to do. I can’t balance it all. If I have any ounce of free time, I like to be with JJ, because it sets me at ease, and I have nothing to worry about. I hate never seeing Jayden, but I can’t be in that house anymore. I’m so close to just leaving. I can’t do it. I’ll get home from work at 10:30, my dad will be waiting in the kitchen, doing absolutely nothing, and tell me I need to clean the house. What was he doing for the past few hours that he didn’t have the time to get out of his chair, and do it himself? It’s a double standard. Ninety percent of the time, the mess doesn’t even have anything to do with me. Yes, I admit I leave something out every now and again, I’m not perfect. But, they never clean up after themselves, this includes Jayden, although he’s only five and can’t really be expected to do much. News flash: I’m leaving in 170 days, I’m not going to be here. You are going to have to do everything on your own. It’s almost like I’m the parent, and I’m letting them go on their own.

Yesterday, I got a text from my mom saying, “don’t forget my baby!” I don’t know why, but that really pissed me off. Don’t call him that. You have never been there, except when he’s done something really good. He’s my baby, I’m not trying to sound like a brat, but he is. I don’t like her calling him that. She is his mother, but I’m his mom. I’ve been there with him everyday. I taught him how to crawl, walk, talk. It was all me. I stayed up for 2 a.m. feedings, I played with him everyday. I even went to the babysitters for the first few months to make sure she was doing it right. I love him more than anything. More than anyone could ever imagine, it hurts. He is my baby. He always will be, it’s not fair that she gets the right to say that. I hate it.

The rest, I can’t really talk about. It’s just weighing me down. I can’t breathe anymore. Help.