Alright, so I’m not going to pretend like I’m the epitome of normality and saneness, but take a little time to travel to Mid Rivers Mall at any given time of the day and you’re certain to see a circus roaming through the overrated stores in that poor excuse for a shopping center.

During my scavenger hunt for a decent homecoming dress, for some unknown reason I decided to make the department stores in Mid Rivers Mall a few of the stops along my quest – bad idea. My focused viewpoint was disrupted immediately. While citing my mantra, “dress…dress…dre..uh, what in the world?” I saw right before my very eyes a gaggle of pre-teen girls dressed head to toe in their not-so-adorable name brand clothing (short shorts, tiny shirts and all) while sporting colorful socks up to their knees. I was convinced this must be some sort of slumber party gag, but apparently I was just confused. I saw this pattern all over the mall with multiple flocks of these ridiculous kids sporting these misguided fashions. Poor dears.

Perhaps my favorite run-in during this dress excursion were with the oh-so-cool 8th grade boys christening the mall as their playground for unruly mahem. They run that place, and I guess I was the only one in the entire mall to think otherwise. Not to mention, they weren’t those interesting little punk dudes doing stupid, outlandish things because they could care less what you think of them, but rather the impostor hardcore “hoodrats” of St. Charles who make passes at anything that moves and defy all mall authorities because their posse is just way too cool. So cool, in fact, that they spend their free time acting a fool in the mall. Way to go young ones. You certainly do rule.

Included in this lovely group of kids are the ones who sit behind the movie theatre entrance and smoke up a storm. Those children look like they couldn’t possibly be older than 12 and they’re taking a drags from cigarettes at a popular mall entrance? Wow. To them, I say ‘bravo.’ You’ve managed to gain multiple dirty looks from passers-by and blacken your lungs in a couple short puffs.

Oh Mid Rivers, you’ve given me such a treat. No longer can I go to you to shop because of your lack of quality fashion, but you’ve turned yourself into a haven for the trash of the surrounding area to congregate. It truly is quite a massive feat to have that kind of entertainment on a daily basis, but I think I’ll have to spare myself any further visits to your eclectic halls.