Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop. Alexa, STOP. Every morning at 6am, I practically chant the phrase across my room at my alarm going off. After thirty minutes of contemplating getting up, I roll out of bed and begin my day, but to me, every day feels the same. 

I wear the same outfits, do my morning routine in the same manner, listen to the same music, see the same people, do the same work, and do the same activities daily. It’s like there’s a short drop down menu for the things I can choose to do in my day. Every day, I pick from the list: go to school, to extracurriculars, to work, to my boyfriend’s house, or home. There’s not much else for me to do because I crowd up all of my time with those five choices. I convince myself it’s all I have and all I need to do. I’m constantly moving, always having my schedule planned down to the minute of when I need to be where and leave to get to the next place. I take on more and more, telling myself, ‘I can do that, I’m not that busy,’ yet myself and everyone around me knows I have entirely too much on my plate. I hate it, but I love it. I really do hate it, yet I won’t stop. 

The perfectionist in me wants me to always have somewhere to be, my mind focused, and my time being well-spent. However, the neurotypical part of me wants time for breaks, to reset, and waste my time on social media or my phone. More recently, I have given way to the perfectionist side of myself by shoving so many things into my life it feels like I’m turning into Elasti-Girl. Balancing a boyfriend, job, AP’s, figuring out college and trying to improve myself is draining enough, but then I see an opportunity that sounds new and intriguing, and I jump on it. All while failing to realize the struggles that come along with it, I can acknowledge how many things I have going on in my life and kick myself for it, yet I won’t ever change it. I have conditioned myself for rest and free-time to make me feel guilty. I look forward to breaks and long weekends to finally give myself time to relax and take care of myself, but I always find something to do, never giving myself the time I deserve. 

To nobody’s surprise, I always reach this threshold, this point where I get too many things going on and too much stress coming from every angle, and I shut down. I can’t be efficient anymore because the machine I have made of myself–to work, no matter what, and keep going with more things being added-has broken. I’ll lay my head down at night, to rest for the first time all day, and I wake up and the next day feels the same as the last. That’s when I know I’ve broken myself. 

I’m well aware of it, aware of my shortcomings and how my system doesn’t quite always work out for me. But I’m too far in. I’ve made too many commitments and to back out now; when I’m this close to pulling through and making it to college, I would consider it a failure on my end. But realistically, if I pull away from all the activities I’m involved in, what do I have going for myself then? What do I have to show for all of my hard work thus far? What would I do with all my free time?

I would fill it up with different activities or distract myself with work. I just know it. 

It’s a never-ending cycle. I don’t know how to find the balance I’m looking for. 

All I can do is manage, make it one day at a time, then one week at a time, “romanticize my life” as some say, until I can pull through and put this part of my life behind me, and take on new challenges to bind my time. 

Alexa, set my alarm for 6am tomorrow.