Mirrors are evil inventions. I believe that it was never intended for humans to be able to see their own body so regularly. Imagine how many of the world’s problems would be solved if every morning, you didn’t have to stare at that mirror noticing all the details that make you different.
They are small to others, yet somehow the most important thing in the world at the same time. It starts with your hair. How you mess with it, comb it up. Down. Left. Right. It never looks correct. Then you stare at your face, picking apart your lopsided smile. Dissecting the way your lips part to reveal the ugly jagged monoliths that decorate the landscape of your mouth. Then you peer down at the rest of your form; bumps and hills where you know a flat plain should be. The scars, rivers and ridges etched into your skin, are the marks that tell you that you will never be like them. You can pretend it doesn’t bother you. Maybe you’ll even believe that for a while. I did. However, it always comes for you. The realization that you’re flawed. The fact that you’re scared that others can see that too.
While being fat is something you mostly have control over, it’s something that becomes hard to rectify fast, especially when you have a deficit of time or money. It always feels like you’re missing one or another. As of recently, I’ve been trying to lose weight, and those obstacles are a huge roadblock. When you have school and work five days a week, it’s a herculean effort to find the will to buy a gym membership and commit time to actually go. It’s especially tough when the price doesn’t seem like it will justify the two days a week, and 2-3 hours a day, that you’d actually be going, which is steep when you’d be paying $60 a month for only about eight or so days of going to the gym. And that’s assuming you don’t have plans with friends or family. That isn’t even the whole struggle.
Being fit doesn’t just happen through working out, although that definitely does help. Most of the work is done through your diet and creating a calorie deficit. To do this, you need to meet three criteria, (at least that I can think of).
For one, you can’t have an eating disorder, such as bulimia. That already eliminates some people on a factor they can’t control. Secondly, you need to have freedom over the food your family buys or you need to buy your own food, which is an obstacle in and of itself. Finally, you or your family have to have the budget to buy fresh produce and meat or poultry.
My family is lower middle class, but luckily, my parents give me money and the freedom to go out and purchase whatever I would like to eat for the next 1-2 months. My budget is $60. I went to the store and purchased a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables, the cheapest cuts of meat I could find, and a couple of frozen food options for when I’m running low on food, (because guess what the cheapest thing was to buy? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the unhealthy stuff). My grocery total was $149.71. That is not $60. I paid for the rest out of my own pocket. It didn’t even last the whole month.
Whenever you bring up these fundamental problems, the inability of poor people to be able to afford the ability to be healthy, you are met with a wave of either indifference or criticism. That is the worst part of it all.
Even now as I write this, I feel like I have to pick my choice of words painstakingly in order to avoid people thinking I’m just whining and avoiding taking responsibility for myself. I want nothing more than to be thin. I want to be thin so I don’t get weird looks in the hallway. I want to be thin so I can wear the clothes I never got to. I want to be thin so I can go to the pool without wearing an embarrassingly tight swim shirt. I want to be thin so I can be happy. But if I’m being honest, I wanna be thin for all the wrong reasons.
It doesn’t feel like it, but being fat is okay. Really, it is. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of what you look like or who you are, and honestly, do the opinions of people you’ve never talked to, (and probably never will) even matter? Are the people who bully others for factors that aren’t easily changed about themselves even worth it to impress? I don’t think so.
If you want to get thinner or do anything to address an insecurity you have about yourself, the only person you should be trying to impress is yourself. At the end of the day, someone is going to like you for who you are as a person. I have found the people who truly care about me, and one day, everyone else will find those people too. You should be improving yourself for you, first and foremost. Work out and eat well because it’s healthy for you, not to look better for other people. At the end of the day, you are the only person you have to win over.
