For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt left out. My friends have played Pokemon on their DS devices, everyone I knew had Minecraft, and PlayStations and Xboxes were the craze. We had an old Wii (which worked fine, we had two games that I loved to death), an iPad that soon stopped working, and in fifth grade, me and my brother gained access to my mom’s old computer with several mind-numbing educational games and were given Minecraft for Christmas.

We had limited access, but my parents would just tell us to get off of the computer and go play outside. They were directly monitoring our screen time, and I was happy. I was doing great. And, for Christmas in seventh grade and right before quarantine hit, I got my own phone. To say I was overjoyed was an understatement. I was elated – I could finally talk to my friends online! No more waiting until school, no more asking my parents to organize hangouts.

Of course, there was a catch: screentime. And I was okay with it. I had five hours of time before I was only able to listen to music and call my family or emergency numbers, and bedtime limits that did the same thing between bedtime and when I woke up for school.

But it’s gotten worse.

A lot of stuff happened — I underwent a major mental health crisis, and before stuff hit the fan I would get 1-4 hours of sleep a night because I found loopholes to look up harmful stuff online. I went to mental health rehab. My brother got addicted to his computer. We got through that.

Rightfully, my parents made the decision to crack down on our screen consumption. My dad (who’s worked in IT for over 20 years and approaches everything from a logical point of view) looked at studies and research, and my mom (a wedding photographer who didn’t know how to change her phone background last year) nodded along to the process.

I currently have around three hours of time on my phone and 2.5 hours on the computer, and I turned 18 on Jan. 29th. I don’t look at harmful content anymore, and I know how to tell when I’ve spent too much time on the computer — I get a physical and mental feeling that I can’t explain. But as I’ve grown, my parents’ control on me has tightened.

When my time runs out, I can only access my clock app, call my parents, or call emergency services. Any other calls — including to friends and other family members — are blocked before they even get through. I can’t access my camera to take a picture of my work schedule until my parents approve an extension. When I’m looking for other support, I can’t call my boyfriend, can’t call my best friends. If I’m in the middle of talking to a client who commissioned me, I have to ask for time and more often than not get very little.

It’s frustrating and humiliating. I’m sure that my parents would re-allow calls to other family members if asked, but that’s about it. Feeling out of control has continued to be a trigger for my depression, anxiety, and unhealthy behaviors, which doesn’t help when your bedtime is decided for you at 18 and your computer shuts off with little warnings.

The latter is worse when the fact that I use my computer to draw and that I often hyperfocus on that activity is taken into account. I do that for fun, to cope with my mental health issues, or for commission work. There’s been so, so many times when I’m busy drawing on my laptop, my time runs out, and everything I was doing becomes unavailable. It’s disappointing, but it makes me anxious thinking about how much longer my clients have to wait or how my enjoyment was suddenly cut off, and it makes me feel selfish for wanting more. I already have pre-existing guilt about indulging myself in things (whether it’s buying myself something nice, asking for a semi-expensive gift for my birthday, accepting nice gifts, buying myself treats), so having that abruptly denied from me is scary. I was always reminded to be thankful for what I had. I know that I’m pretty lucky to have two loving parents who really do care, but I wish that they cared more about me having further autonomy.

Losing control can cause me to spiral, have a breakdown, and bring out my insecurities and anxieties. And I’ve talked to them about it. My mom genuinely believes my dad won’t give me complete control over my screen time usage until I’m out of the house, and my therapist thinks I should have complete control over it right now. My dad always quotes studies, what doctors say, the effect of screen time on kids.

I get why they act this way, but it doesn’t really make it any better. I’m still struggling. I still feel held back. My friends can play video games with each other past 10:30, and I can’t. My coworkers go home and immediately indulge in their comfort activity, and I can’t. Everybody I know has the ability to call their best friend when they’re struggling, and sometimes I can’t even do that when I’m trying not to have a breakdown. I do this with any other activity, but because digital art takes hours for me, I spend a majority of my free time on the computer.

I want some self-control. I want to set my own boundaries. I want to learn where my limits are at and set them myself. Sometimes lessons stick with me less if I’m not facing real-life consequences — the occasions that I’ve stayed up way too late on a screen and had a horrible next day have convinced me more than my parents’ several-year 10 p.m. bedtime. It’s fun, but then you get tired and things drag on, and then you wake up feeling like you’re a slug.

However, I’m still grateful for my parents having some level of supervision at all. I’ve barely seen gore online, and I haven’t been harassed online like I know most people have. There’s restrictions that I’m going to be using for my own kids, but I don’t want to be exactly like my parents in this. 

I need more control and autonomy to grow, learn, and succeed. I want to catch up with the rest of my peers, to know where my limits are, and the freedom to have control over my own life. There’ll be times where I fall hard, but I need to learn how to pick myself back up instead of relying on a safety net at 18.

I need to be given the opportunity to grow up.