Thunderstorms of thoughts stampede through the mind, the storms never ending. It feels as though hail, rain, snow, thunder, and lightning are occurring all at once, just wondering: what happened? The skies above me consisted of sunny weather, the fresh air of happiness passing through as I laughed with my friends; those friends are now the definition of thunderstorms, my remaining sunny heart being rumbled by the darkened clouds as I watch the people I used to call my friends storm away from me.

It’s a normal experience for myself at this point; I meet friends, bond with them, get closer to them, and feel as if I’m never going to lose them, as I think to myself: “these guys are the one; they’re never going to abandon me.”

So I wonder as to why I break down into tears anytime we get into fights, begging them to please understand what was happening. It’s all worthless though, as they just laugh in my face, insisting that what was said was true. Despite constantly seeing my past friends accuse me for something, as I try to understand what happened, I still cry whenever seeing them abandon me. The years of us smiling, laughing, bonding, and now vanishing. 

I look back into the part of those memories, and I realize that I was in the wrong a lot. That, I’ll admit. I was a young kid, who was just recently recovering from a traumatic experience, of course I wasn’t a good friend– but I tried. I constantly picked myself up from being told what I had done wrong, acknowledging what I did, as I moved forward to improve my skills of being a friend. However, I never got the same treatment in return. Instead, those ‘friends’ made fun of my weight, my sexuality, my identity, and my act as a friend. I was always so confused, since sometimes the blames were pushed onto me out of nowhere, when considerably yesterday, we were all laughing and having fun; even if I wasn’t included in that fun, it still made me smile seeing everyone else happy. 

This was toxicity, and I didn’t even realize it. With humans, toxicity in a person means when their behavior is purposefully affecting someone’s emotions. They inflict their negative emotions on that person, as they smile whenever that person deflates and crumbles to the ground, or, abandoning them whenever that person needs them most.

This is what had happened to me; overtime, I had come to think that I was never deserving of a healthy friendship. I deserved every single negative comment that had come my way, and in the end, I was the one in the wrong; that’s what I told myself every day. 

Because of the unfortunate events that had happened in my past, I have seen the actually loving, genuinely friendly people in my life as nothing but enemies. I see them, as I plant one motive in their mind: they want nothing to do but hurt me. So, I separate myself anytime a minor disagreement, or even a bigger problem occurs within the friendship. 

Separation from someone is never the correct way to go if you’re avoiding a problem, since that in itself is considered to be toxic among others. I never took the time to notice my actions when I did separate myself, as I just thought that I was doing everyone a favor.

I was wrong; pushing everyone away makes the purpose of the action actually work. It seems like such a shocker, I know. But I didn’t think about that anytime I pushed that healthy friendship away, as I didn’t want to hurt them- but I only hurt my friends even more as I pushed away, causing them to eventually leave my side, as I did to theirs.

This occurred with one of my best friends this year; recently, I had lost one of the relationships I had cared about the most, even though we didn’t know each other for even two years;  it was just one. But, within one year, you can bond with someone, as that one year friendship can also wham you in the brain when it breaks apart.

I regret it almost everyday, thinking about how we had ended things; i talked it out with them, tried fixing everything, not even considering why they were upset in the first place- I just wanted to make things right, but I didn’t want to take the blame for it as I had constantly done in the past for silly things I had not done.

So, when I came to my senses and came to the thought that I was also in the wrong, it was too late. Our friendship had already crumbled to the ground, as I had to say goodbye to them. My heart still aches everytime I see them in the hallways, but I also consider how upset I was whenever we were fighting. In a way, I’m actually happier now; I just hope that they are happy with themself as well.

It’s amusing, almost; it probably could’ve been avoided if I didn’t have the toxic situations I had been in previously to consider. I thought about it too much, not realizing that I was placing the actions into my own hands. I was inflicting that pain onto others, as my past friends had made me feel in the past. Even though I had a good purpose behind what I was doing, I was just hurting everyone and myself in the process. 

I still struggle with pushing away the stormy weather in my head, because it’s a process. Recovery is always a process, even if it’s from something such as an experience as toxic friends. But I would like to believe that I am set on the correct path for recovery, since I recognize that I have amazing friends that care and love for me. I may not have a best friend, but that’s more than okay. “You just have to realize, in the end? It’s all going to be okay. You’ll be okay.” I tell myself in my mind frequently, and the words actually make sense this time; far different from how I was in the past.