Full force ahead

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future a lot, which is never a good thing because I tend to over analyze everyone and everything. Basically, I’ve come to the realization that I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do with myself once I’m out of high school. None, whatsoever.

I know, I know, most kids would kill to escape the prison of high school (and I say prison with no stretch of the imagination – have you seen the food in the cafeteria?) and are literally counting down the days until they can say ‘Adios suckers.’ But, the closer and closer I get to the deadline of my childhood years, the more and more unsure I get. I mean, what am I really going to do with my life once high school is out of the picture?

The obvious answer is college and I won’t pretend that I haven’t been thinking about it because only future managers of McDonalds aren’t. But, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still concerned about what I’ll do when I’m there.

I know that I’m still going to have school work and everything, but I still feel like I will be losing a huge chunk of who I am when I put on my graduation cap and gown. I mean, think about it. Preparing for college has consumed my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve constantly focused on my grades in preparation for getting into a good college and getting a good scholarship and blah blah blah. So, I fear, that once I get it, I’m not going to know what else to strive for. I know I should start thinking about a possible career, but the thought of that is even more unsettling. Because if that’s the case then I don’t even understand what I’m living for?

Are we really all just hamsters on a wheel constantly striving for the next goal? If so, I want off of this crazy train. I don’t want my ambitions to be what I’m living for because what kind of life is that?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaking myself out, like I often do. But, when I stop and think about it I can’t help but wonder; what are we all really doing with our lives? Everything seems so focused on the future, but what about the present? I don’t want to be an old woman thinking back about everything I’ve done and realize that I never really lived. The thought of that haunts me, but I don’t know how to break the cycle. It’s like I’ve been trained to look ahead without glancing at my surroundings. And that is a terrifying thought, but I still don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to stop and smell the roses.