It’s like when I’m sitting in history class listening to the account of horrors committed against the Native Americans or African Americans and I honestly just feel guilty for being white. But what can I do about it?

Unless I want to pull a reverse Michael Jackson, I am going to remain a Caucasian female. It’s not my fault, yet when the time comes to look for scholarships, I am left empty-handed.

My search is fruitless because I don’t play the bagpipes, I am not left-handed nor am I a die-hard Star Trek fan (I’m actually not a Star Trek fan at all, so you can bet I won’t be winning that scholarship). There’s a scholarship for duck calling. If you’re a dwarf, there’s plenty of money for you. You can even get money for college by styling duct tape at prom.

These people are awarded for attributes they can’t control, misdeeds that were not actually committed to them, or skills they have acquired that have no real purpose. I eat my cereal differently than most people. Where’s my money? I’m unnaturally obsessed with Gilmore Girls, so hand it over.

I have no problem with rewarding people for being different–how about we reward them for being spectacular, for excelling at what they do? Why don’t we enable people to continue on in life with their talents? Or we could continue to indulge their pointless hobbies that are designed for down time in the dorm room.

At least the black, left-handed, bagpipe-playing, duck-calling, duct-tape-wearing dwarfs will be set for higher education. I hope they go far.