I’m just going to be very blunt about this: I have a fear of death. There’s no need to make it all flowery and profound because death itself is a very plain and straightforward concept. Like many people, it’s something that has consumed my thoughts ever since I first learned what it meant. It all began when I was seven. My mom is a substitute teacher and I was reading a book called “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” in the classroom she was subbing in. There was a poem in the book about decomposition of the body. I had never read anything more grotesque or detailed before. The idea that the skin that I can currently touch will someday be eaten away underground by insects made me squeamish. Even the idea of cremation and donation of the body had their own unique downsides.

I struggled with this fear for many years. I have memories from elementary school of crying in the middle of the night because I knew that there was no way to avoid death, it had to happen eventually. My fear limited me; it would be in the back of my mind constantly. Taunting me like it had stolen something important, possibly my state of mind or even my sanity. It mocked me as it knew that I would have to face it someday. 

Whenever I tried to express my fear to anyone, they would just laugh at me. “It’s a common fear,” they said. “It won’t even matter to you once you’re gone, you won’t be able to feel or think about a thing.”

 That’s probably what concerns most people about death. You don’t know what’s going to happen afterward. This could be why many people are led to becoming health addicts as they grow older, wanting to stay young forever so they never have to face finality. That is not how it works, though, and it ends with people having an unhealthy obsession with maintaining their youth to the point they forget to enjoy it. Before they know it, they are now closer to their end then they had realized.

One day, I was able to break the pattern I saw forming in me. I found this musical based on the popular children’s book Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt and within it, there was a line that changed everything. For context, the story follows a young girl named Winnie who lives a very grounded life. The musical differs from most adaptations as it starts out after her father’s death. She runs away from home and meets the Tuck family, a family who became immortal by drinking enchanted spring water. The story goes through the ups and downs of living an everlasting life. Winnie is convinced that one day, she too will drink the water and become immortal like her newfound friends. All of the Tucks, besides one of the sons named Jesse, think this would be an awful decision so they send Angus, the father, out to talk with her. In the musical, he sings this gorgeous song called “The Wheel” and it ends with him stating “Don’t be afraid of death, Winnie, be afraid of not being truly alive. You don’t need to live forever, you just need to live.” 

Hearing this for the first time gave me chills and suddenly everything clicked. I was too caught up with what was going to happen after I was gone over what was happening in my life now. Slowly I began to stop thinking about my fear of death whenever I went to sleep, and whenever I did I simply reminded myself, “You don’t need to live forever, you just need to live.” I’ve placed that line everywhere, on my wall, in notebooks, even as a sticker on my laptop, just to remind myself that I shouldn’t focus so hard on a future I cannot control but instead, on the life I’m living.

Our culture today has this obsession with death, whether it be positively or negatively fueled. However, we focus too much on what will happen when we take our final breath that we miss out on opportunities that make our lives worth living. Death should not consume our entire lives and become something we fear. Instead, we should live in fear that we will die unhappy with what we accomplished in life. Focus on death later, but for now, focus on living a life you’ll be proud of.