Building walls, protecting from heart ache

“Heartaches and mistakes, how many hits can a good girl take? I’m tired of hurting, slowly learning.” Love life by He is We.

Currently I’ve been listening to this song in every moment of free time I have. I just connect to the quote. I’m so tired of hurting. After mistakes and heart ache, every single day of my life, when will it get better? How many hits can I take?

I feel like at some point I should be able to put up a strong enough wall to keep all of the pain out, but I don’t know how. I can’t even concentrate on writing this. I keep getting side tracked. I feel like every time I can really let myself be with someone they hurt me. And if the guy is good for me, I can’t let myself let him into my life. Its like, once you’ve been hurt, you’re always afraid of getting hurt again and you’re constantly trying to decide if the person you’re interested in will break you all over again. In my case, I’m usually wrong. Why can’t I just let myself be happy? There’s this guy I really like, and I am actually trying, but I don’t know if he is.

I just want to feel like someone cares. It’s like, I know JJ cares, and my family cares, but I don’t feel like they do. I constantly feel alone. Recently, I have been talking to someone who has helped me feel better, her name is Penelope. JJ is my saving grace, it’s hard to be upset when I’m with her, but it’s honestly hard to talk to her about when something is wrong. She is so mentally sane, compared to me. I almost feel like I need to hide all of the messed up parts from her. But, Penelope is so easy to talk to when something is wrong. I can see us becoming really good friends. Even with being able to talk to Penelope, and occasionally JJ, I still feel like there is so much I don’t have anyone to talk to about. I have a psychiatrist, which should be kept a secret according to my dad, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to that can help me push through. I get the generic lines, like:

“Everything will be okay, if it’s not okay it’s not the end.”

“Everything has a purpose and will get better”

and my all time favorite, “time heals, you will be okay.”

As much as I want to believe that these are true, and things will really be okay, some times I just need someone to say, ‘yeah your life sucks. Nothing you can do will change that, but you need to try to get better.’ Anyone feeding those generic lines to their loved ones, stop feeding them that crap. You need to acknowledge that they are feeling like [poop], let them know that you get it, not that you know it will get better, especially if they are in as deep as I am. They need someone to listen, not someone to tell them ‘it gets better.’ Just listen to what they have to say, encourage them, yes, but don’t feed them generic lines.

This blog was all over the place, I apologize to my readers, but come on, it was still Crazy Good.