This past week, has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. I spent all day Friday crying at school. I hate when people know you’re upset. Just the way they look at you. It drives me crazy. I got a few, “are you tired?” and “are you okay today?” from people I don’t ever talk to. Just because I’m crying doesn’t mean I need your sympathy. I few people generally cared why I was crying, like JJ and a couple guys from newspaper, but other than that most people just continued to ignore my presence.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, was she just crying for attention? No. I actually never cry. My mom started off my day awful. This is how our conversation went.

“Mom, can I have a band aid?”

“Yeah. Why are you shaking?”

“I’m not..”

“John, she’s shaking. She’s going through withdrawals!” – John being my dad.

If I haven’t mentioned it yet, my parents have been accusing me of doing and selling drugs. I’m taking anti-depressants, folic acid and anti-addition pills. You know how everyone loves that folic acid. It’s been so stressful. I am not my sister. I’m not going to get addicted to drugs, and go to jail and rehab, and live in their basement until I’m 22, with no sign of ever getting out. I’m actually going to have a future, if I can make it that far.

Friday was the first day in a long time that I have felt like there was no point in life. All I kept thinking was Jayden, Jayden, Jayden. Even that didn’t help. I just kept thinking him not seeing me in pain all of the time would be better for him. I can’t be here to mess him up. I have to save him from knowing all of the pain in life. But at the same time, I can’t leave him. I have to save him. Why is it so complicated?

To add more stress, I have gotten my hours cut at work, and I need to get a second job or I won’t be able to afford gas and other necessities. So my choice is, not have any money and miss out on time with Jayden, or get a second job and be able to pay for college. How do I decide that?

Some times I think it would be easier if it was all over.