Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia

Do you every look around and realize that nothing is how it used to be? That suddenly you’re five miles further than you thought and you didn’t even realize what you were passing? Sometimes I feel like that, and maybe you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, but if you do, you know that it leaves you feeling lost with a hint of nostalgia.

I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately.

Most of the time I feel like I’m on stable ground and I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for life. But, other times I feel like I’m on a boat in the ocean being aimlessly tossed from wave to wave with no idea where I’m at or where I’m going.

The closer college get the more scared I am. Sure, when I think about specific details I can imagine myself doing them. I can imagine going to class and being in a dorm and all of that jazz. But, college itself is such a scary thought to me. Maybe I need to work on compartmentalizing more or something because the thought of college makes my heart skip a beat and accelerate to an alarming pace.

I think the scariest part about college is the actual thought of leaving home. I’m not the type of teenager that hates staying at home and feels the need to be out the door every second of the day. I enjoy my house and I enjoy my cave of a bedroom. But, most of all I love knowing that my parents are there if I need them, any minute of the day. I love the feeling of my mom thoughtlessly running her fingers through my hair while we are watching t.v. together. I love feeling safe there.

Sure, I know that you can’t go through life just wanting to play everything safe. That’s not the way to go anywhere or do anything new and exciting. I just wish that I could take my parents with me to college. Okay, maybe not that. But, I wish that they would be closer than four hours away.

What if I need them?