How pleasant is the present?

This last week I’ve been thinking a lot. My friend Sarah called me and said she just realized how fast life was going by. It seems like last week we were barely freshmen, and now we’re over half way through high school. Thinking about all of that time passing by so quickly, I couldn’t help but think about all the things that have happened over the last few years, since middle school started really. It really made me wonder what it would be like if I could go back.

What would you do if you had the opportunity to change your life? Would you leave it the same or make small changes, or would you simply just like to relive the events that were special to you? I honestly don’t know the answer. There are things I’d like to change, and yet I’m happy where I am. Would I risk changing my present for a happier past? It’s not like I could make a huge difference. There are only so many things that have happened to me. Still, I wonder. I think I would go back to the beginning of sixth grade. Yeah, that sounds good. I want to pay more attention to the way my life used to be, and maybe even get to know myself better

That’s another thing I’ve noticed. Sometimes I feel so lost; it’s like I don’t even know myself anymore. It’s kind of like I’m constantly wearing a mask or hiding things behind invisible walls. Something is blocking parts of my heart and parts of my memory that I can’t even see, let alone anyone else. That is, until now. One of the boys I’ve been tutoring, Zach, said something to me the other day, and I don’t even remember what he said, but it really hit me. It was like he really knew me. I mean, we’ve been friends for a while and all, but I still had no idea he paid so much attention to me. I don’t even know how I should feel about it.

School’s getting hard already this semester. Just when you think you’re on top of everything, they throw you a curve ball. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep up. I don’t really know what to do anymore… I’m struggling and crashing my way through the semester and we’re only a few weeks in. That doesn’t look like a good sign. Well, I guess I ought to get my homework done. I’ll write again soon!

-Connie
1/18/11