My past pulls my puppet strings

I’ve been thinking so much lately, about my past and the people in it. What they’ve turned into, and what I’ve become. I feel the weight of my past on my shoulders, and I remember a phrase I used to know and truly believe in. “Once the threads of fate have been intertwined, they cannot be undone.” It was from a show called “InuYasha” I watched when I was younger. Kikyou said it. I never forgot how true it was to me. Now I feel those threads of fate attached to all of my limbs. They’re in the hands of the people from my past. They tug and pull as if I’m some sort of puppet, a toy for them to play with and bend me to their will. Bend me and break me until I have nothing left to stand on. Bend me and break me until all I have left is a dependence on my puppet master that he will keep me moving and “alive” for just a while longer, and then longer still.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Nathan lately, getting to know him a little better and then better still. So far I’ve noticed an inability to commit, be it to a person, a thing or an idea. His idea of quitting last week goes up and down, depending upon the day. Lately he’s not been doing so well with it, but I keep trying to believe in him. It’s not whether or not he can, it’s whether or not he will. He’s fully capable, just not willing to give it up quite yet. But I believe in him. Eyes Rutherford, another character from a show called “Spiral,” always said, “the happiness of those who believe.” If you believe something can happen, it can. So I will never stop believing in him.

Things with Zach have become very confusing lately… I guess I really just need a guy’s advice. He goes from really seeing me for who I am to flirting a little to completely withdrawing himself from me. He hardly ever sees me anymore, unless he really needs to, and even then he avoids conversation with me. I wish I knew what all of this meant. If this isn’t sending mixed signals, then I don’t know what is.

School’s going pretty easy lately with all the time off we’re getting from the snow. I’m one of those people who prefers snow days than getting off early in the summer. I enjoy having random days off, and quite honestly I get bored over summer vacation. I get to take this time to get caught up in my school work. I kind of can’t wait, as nerdy as that sounds. I’m so behind in class…

-Connie

2/1/2011